As we looked out the tinted windows of our Hollywood Starlines tour bus at the homes of the absurdly rich and obtusely powerful, Elaine and I kept having to replace our jaws into their sockets. We’d decided on the tour while checking the size of our hands against the prints of Hanks, Wayne, and Monroe. We could have bought a star map and fought the traffic of L.A., but after the drive up in which my homicidal thought meter was pegged at “Danger” thanks to bad driving and Shakira, we opted for letting someone else take care of the hard part.
Along with star gawkers from such faraway places as Montreal, London, Kyoto, and Phoenix, we boarded the bus in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater. Our guide, Brian, a Philadelphian who recently won $7,750 on the daytime version of The Weakest Link, began the tour with brief introductions. We could tell right away that this guy wasn’t your normal, go-through-the-motions tour guide. He had books, he had Hershey's Kisses, he had bad jokes, and he knew things. “See the fourth window on the bottom floor of that hotel. Janis Joplin died there.” He didn’t just drive up to homes and announce the genre and species of animal inside; he pointed out homes that had been on TV shows (the Hart to Hart house), he suggested places to eat (The Stinky Rose), and he pointed out a place on Rodeo where you could get designer wear for under $15. Brian took great pleasure in having to put the bus in reverse outside of Danny Devito’s house, revealing that the diminuitive one doesn’t like beeping tour buses. Of course, he seemed more concerned about Rhea than he did Danny. To some of our deep appreciation, he slowed the bus to a crawl as we drove around the Playboy Mansion, the males of the group pressing our faces to the window in hopes, our fingers poised on the button of our cameras. But alas, the shrubs blocked the view.
We never saw a real-life star, with the possible exception of Brian. But plenty of homes. Aaron Spelling's behemoth, complete with ice skating rink and bowling alley, Lucy and Frank’s former residences, Brad and Jennifer’s soon to be completed mansion (in which Brad is frequently seen working). There were odd statues in lawns, a great mailbox or two, some rich kids playing in the streets, and Ozzy’s front gate. But of course, no tour would be complete without seeing Madonna’s bush. {Note: I’m expecting a flurry of search-related hits from this one.}
Let me explain. As we toured down a road of relatively modest multi-million-dollar homes, Brian explained that the owners of these homes on this block prided themselves on houses that were visibly accessible to the public. All except one, that is. He pointed to a completely obscured by shrubs home on the left. “That one person being Madonna.”
